About this blog

If you're looking for me to brag about how cute my kids are (which they are) or talk about how much weight I did or didn't lose this week, you are in the wrong place! I have a Facebook account for that. This blog is about the blunt truths of parenting, tips and tricks of the trade, some addicting mommy junk and all the other disgusting hilarity that ensues when you have kids...especially two kids only 12 months apart like myself.

Search This Blog

Wednesday, June 29

Wordless Wednesday: Bubbi and Boo...the beginning

Tuesday, June 28

Diary of a Neurotic Mom: Coffee crack whore

 I woke up this am and drank my coffee like every other day. However, we were out of my usual breakfast item...a banana (no, that's not all I eat for breakfast...just a starter until my mojo is going).

So about an hour later I am in FULL CRACK HEAD MODE! But really, it was awesome!

I vacuumed the downstairs and the stairs, I mopped three times (yes, neurotic - twice with pinesol and then once with water to get the nasty smelling pinesol up - bought the wrong sent last time), magic erasered the pantry door, cut and organized a butt load of coupons (and yes, I am getting into extreme couponing - rock out with your cock out ladies!) and still had some steam left in me to take care of the kids.

Here's the nasty sink water...why the HELL are my floors so gross even
though I mop two to three times a week?!?!?

And here's Bubbi crawling. She no longer walks, even on the carpet, when I mopping. She falls and slips too much (even with shoes on).

But then the inevitable happened. The crash.

I was a bitch to the kids.

I was sweaty and sticky as it was noon and I still hadn't taken a shower and had been psycho cleaning for several hours.

The kids flipped out and turned into froathy mouthed heathens as I'd forgotten to feed them lunch in my crack whore coffee high.

It was over. My high was over....and my house? F-ING TRASHED!!! While I was so busy deep cleaning the kids were busy tornadoing around dumping toys and spreading coupon paper scraps while dripping their snack, watermelon, all over my clean floors.

Hmmm. Not sure I'll be doing that again anytime soon.

Monday, June 27

I haven't been blogging because I've been...


I'm totally addicted and I'm getting good already. I'd go into details, but I've got no tips of my own to share so I'll tell you where I learned!

Here is the easiest site to start with: www.couponmom.com

Use the "Grocery Deals By State" tab and be amazed. You'll quickly learn to save alllll coupons as lots of stuff can be free! Yes, I prefer to wipe my ass with Quilted Northern, but I am not too cool or rich to wipe my butt for free!

Here are a few other great sites that I use....so get to saving!





and....FACEBOOK! Dude, you can get seriously amazing free sh*t and great coupons on most company's facebook pages!

Ok, that's enough for now. I'll brag later....

Random Rants: The skinny gym mom with fat kids

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever seen a healthy, slender mother in her gym clothes with two overweight kids eating chips as they waddle past.

WTF? Why would you take care of yourself and not teach your kids to do the same??

Well, it started to happen to me!!! Why? Because it is easy! No, my kids aren't fat or anything close. They are actually both on the smaller side, to a concerning point with Layla at one time. No, I don't starve them. They eat more than all of their friends...ok this isn't the point!

So I left the gym still in my workout clothes and took the kids straight to the donut shop to reward them for not crying at the gym's daycare (terrible I know). As we were walking out of the donut shop the image hit me...I was the gym mom walking around with food-rewarded kids eating donuts! How did this happen? Well, the kids did so well at the gym when I told them they'd get a donut if they behaved.


Friday, June 24

My Morning: Pukers

Sorry for my absence, but I've been busy being mommy...in all its glory.

Two nights ago I fell asleep early on the couch. About 30 minutes after I moved to the bedroom, MOTHER F-ING DOG barks like mad and wakes me up. It is about 11 pm...and I can't freaking fall back asleep until about 1am.

3 am: Boo opens his bedroom door and screams, "I PUKED!"  Ugg! I go in there and it is only on his little blankie. I removed the blankie, hug the kid and he goes right back down. Sweet for what happened!

3:10am: As I leave Boo's room I hear Bubbi crying. He must have woken her up when he felt he needed to open to door (I have a monitor in his room) and scream that he puked. I rock Bubbi for a few seconds and go downstairs.

3:45am: I am finally amost back asleep when Boo opens his door and screams, "I PUKED AGAIN!!!!" WTF? I thought maybe he gagged himself on something the first time, but now poor Boo must be sick. Oh yeah, and he had nasty diarrhea the day before.

4:05am: Boo's sheets and diarrhea filled night diaper are changed and I'm finally crawling into bed...the I hear Bubbi squawk over the monitor. My thought? Sorry Bub, but you're just being needy! So I let her cry.

4:45am: Boo shouts, "I PUKED AGAAAAAAAIN!!!" Awesome! I run up and strip his bed. I'm all out of waterproof mattress pads so I pack him up and move him to the couch.

5:00am: Boo is watching TV and I'm on my own couch half asleep. Cue Bubbi crying. WTF? She is really this thrown off? She never wakes until at least 7am and she usually goes right back down on her if she does.

5:05am: Bubbi's officially screaming. I go up there and....she puke allllll over her bed, herself, lovies etc. Holy crap did she puke just now or last time she cried? I am SUCH a bad mom!!!

5:25am: Bubbi is cleaned off (well enough for 5 in the morning), three sets of bedding are in the laundry machine with two pillows and a stuffed animal in line behind them. Boo's face says it all and he pukes all over the floor.

Insert a few hours of puking and pooping....

11:00am: I'm standing with Bubbi next to me and I feel something dripping on my foot. I look down and, yup, diarrhea pouring from her diaper...onto my foot.

You get the point. My morning and entire day SUCKED! Hoping this shit (pun intended) is over.

Monday, June 20

Using you tube to raise your kids

Kids love to learn new things, but as parents we don't always have the time, money or simply access to things our kids our interested in.

Last year Boo was super into cows and the fact that milk came from them. Did I schedule a play date at a dairy? No. I found an awesome video on you tube of cows being milked! He and Bubbi loved it! If only I'd thought to watch it first myself...flipping farmers were cussing like crazy.

A friend of mine's little boy loves garbage trucks. One morning he heard the truck outside but didn't make it out in time to see some good action. Dude was devastated! What did his mommy do? You tube! We was stocked to watch garbage trucks pick up garbage...and he got a really good view.

You can also use you tube to introduce new activities. My son is going to a real baseball game today. He's never been so I wanted to introduce him to what it would look like (the huge stadium, the crowds etc)...so I pulled up you tube! Now he has a true understanding of what he's going to be experiencing today.

I encourage you to use you tube to your advantage when it comes to your kids! Just don't forget to watch the video first. Bad words is probably the best situation you can stumble upon with it.

Friday, June 17

Random Rants: Don't put your vag on that

I'm not a crazy OCD hand washing germaphobe (oh believe me, I have my issues).

That being said, several super nasty older ladies at the gym have been grossing me out!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, fine. Stand there in all your naked, old lady glory right at the locker room entrance. I'm not totally into being greeted by your large, saggy, wrinkly butt...but this is America so whatev.

Walk around barefoot from the locker to the steam room to the shower. Nasty yes, but that's your problem.

Ok. Here's where they cross the line.

SIT BARE ASS NAKED ON THE BENCH?!?! HELLLLO!?!? WTF? I don't want your vagina fluids and hairs (because lord knows these naked females have serious hair down there) on the bottom of my gym bag or whatever else I might place on that bench! HOLY NASTY!!!

Thursday, June 16

Do it...call me a bad mom

We all reach our limits and do things we aren't proud of. In a social setting, you would probably call me a bad mom for some or all of the following. At home on your computer, you're smiling because you've done it too.

~ My kids or myself have dropped food on the floor and one (or both) of the kids drop to their knees and start to eat it off the floor with no hands like dogs. I don't always stop them. They are getting fed and my floor is getting cleaned without the vacuum. Win-win...until they do it in public.

~ Yelled at them for something that is your fault. This one actually hurts me, but I've done it. I yelled at Bubbi the other day for ripping up and old family photo that my stupid butt left within her reach. She cried. I felt like crap.

~ More food on the floor. Its snack time right before nap and I'm trying to load the dishwasher, unpack the groceries and switch the laundry at the same time. I grab a handful of crackers and quite literally toss them towards the kids on the floor (I know - this one is pretty bad).

~ If I'm just done with life I give my kids junk food to entertain them while I sit quietly and allow my brain to flat line.

~ Falling is pure slapstick comedy. I laugh when my kids get hurt if its comical. Just last night Boo ate it running to me and I just died laughing (trying not to of course) while he sobbed in my arms.

~ AND...while at Starbucks the other day, I told my kids they couldn't eat their cake pops until they ate their McDonald's. OMG really? They can't have some crap until the finish their other crap? As I said it the barista and I laughed at the irony....or she was laughing at what a bad mom I am. Hey, we don't eat McD's and cake pops everyday, ok!

Wednesday, June 15

Public Apology

I recently read an awesome post over at Holly's House titled "Too Many Kids?" She has four kids and gets many lame, hurtful and annoying questions (you must read it - http://www.notaperfectmomsblog.com/2011/06/too-many-kids.html)

I'm so guilty, sooo guilty of disapproving looks and degrading questions when people have more than two kids. I once asked a mommy friend who was pregnant with her third what made her decide to have a third (knowing, just knowing she would say this pregnancy was an unplanned accident). Her response? She wanted FOUR!

Four!!! Four? Wow. I can barely hang with two. I have two and that's enough for me, but four!? You would have to put me in the loony bin because I am halfway there already with two!

Holly put very well into words what I was feeling but not able to describe. I am maxed out at two. Other people, maxed at one or five or ten. Everyone is different.

Who the hell am I to judge others on how many kids they want? Lots of people think I'm off my rocker for having two so close, only 12 months apart, and I think they can kiss my ass on occasion (sometimes I'm all world-peace and brush off rude comments to "everyone is different"...today they can kiss my ass).

So ladies, watch your mouth and shocked looks when super moms with a brood of kids is near. Just cause you can't hang doesn't mean they don't know how to prevent pregnancy.

Wordless Wednesday: Like daddy

This picture is almost two years old (Boo was only 15 mo old), but I still love it. At a vacation rental in San Diego...

Monday, June 13

$1 kid movies at your local theaters?

Last summer they were free, but this summer they are $1...check your local Regal, United Artists or Edwards theaters for cheap kids movies on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 10am. Here's the schedule!

6/7-6/8 (10am)
6/14-6/15 (10am)
6/21-6/22 (10am)
6/28-6/29 (10am)
7/5-7/6 (10am)
7/12-7/13 (10am)
7/19-7/20 (10am)
7/26-7/27 (10am)
8/2-8/3 (10am)

Sunday, June 12

Diary of a Neurotic Mom: Who is BAAAAAAA-ing!??!?!

Ok guys, most of you have been hear.

Some POS toy in the kids playroom has dying batteries and is therefore letting out random "baa's" (come on people, like a sheep).

I can't find it. I didn't even know we had a toy that baa-ed. I've sat quietly in the middle of the room a few times waiting for the terrible sound so I could attack it and shred it to pieces like the wild beast it has turned me into and...nothing!!

So after a few minutes I go on with my life and then, of course, "BAAAAAA"!

F*** ME!!

I'll find it. And when I do, that thing will wish it had just died quickly and quietly.

Wednesday, June 8

My Morning: Why didn't you just poop in the potty

Boo still naps and sleeps in diapers (I've tried without...THREE sheet changes in one nap...yeah not ready be it him or me). Conveniently, he only poops when he's waking up.

Yesterday Boo woke up with no nasty surprise for me. Sweet! Maybe he'll start doing his nasty man poops in the toilet and spare his poor mother.

After about an hour of being up, Boo disappears upstairs for a bit. When he comes back down I asked what he was doing.

Boo: Changed my underwear.

Me: Why? Did you pee your pants?

Boo: No! Poop (very proud).

Me: Why didn't you tell me! Where are your dirty underwear!!?

We run upstairs and he points to the diaper champ. Sure enough they are in there. I check his butt and no, he didn't wipe. Nasty. But yes, he's wearing clean underwear and he put the same pants back on.

Hmm. So let me get this straight? You're capable of going upstairs, taking of the nasty poop underwear and placing them where dirty diapers go without making a mess, picking out clean underwear, putting them on and putting your pants back on....why the hell didn't you just poop in the freaking potty!?!?

I didn't say that. I said, "Next time go poo poo in the potty and if you have an accident just tell mommy, please"...(you little shit).

Tuesday, June 7

Just Call CPS: Gum and the dyer

No, it isn't what you think - no gum was in my dryer. However, I did win another patch for my Mother of the Year jacket.

My latest and greatest obsession has been extreme couponing (google it if you must). I was online researching coupons instead of watching my kids every moves (gasp! I never said I was a great or nearly perfect mom)...in the middle of the kitchen/house mind you.

Boo runs up to show me a piece of GUM he wants to give daddy. WTF!? Where did he get gum?? So I run into the room to find two freaking packs of gum spread all over with several empty wrappers. CRAP!

I quickly count the wrappers and note that there are six or seven missing pieces of gum. I start to look for the pieces then use my mommy smarts and smell his breath. Yum. The little shit ate gum. AHHH!

I run to the fridge to call poison control from my handy fridge magnet (no surprise that I've had to call them several times before), but it isn't there! Why do I throw away important things when I clean/purge?!? REALLY? Thank god he didn't drink f-ing draino!

Laptop is up and running so I google poison control and call them. I go through the standard questions (yes, I know the routine well). As the nice man on the other end of the line is confirming Boo will live (should I not wring his neck) with only the slight possibility of the runs, my husband shouts out, "you're daughter is in the f***ing dryer!"

CRAP! Did the man on the phone here that? CPS will be here for sure if he did!!

I quickly hang up and run to save my apparently suicidal two-year-old Bubbi. She is unscathed and all I can do is laugh (after firmly reminding her the washer and dryer are not toys/dangerous).

Haaaahaaaa. Yeah, hilarious.

Monday, June 6

$15 for $30 Adorable Aprons!

I'm in LOVE!!! Bubbi just got a super cute apron for her birthday and I don't even have an apron! Solution!?! Get a super cute one for cheap at Groupon!

I am in love! I am trying to quickly decide which one I want...here are my faves:

Only limited quantities available to go to Groupon's Flirty Aprons now!

Sunday, June 5

Public Discipline: A must

I just read a fantastic article at http://weidknecht.blogspot.com/2011/06/disciplining-children-in-public.html regarding disciplining children in public. It has inspired me to write this post. So here it goes.

Parents, you MUST discipline your kids in public. It is not an option. Children must know good behavior is an all places, at all times requirement.

So you think you'll get the police called on you for your public discipline? Well, if you are ashamed to do your at home discipline in public, you should probably rethink your at home ways.

Just a few weeks ago Boo was out to get me. Anything he could do to piss me off was on his to do list. Of course, I couldn't stay home until he got out of his funk. So we went to the doctor's office as planned.

While in line, Boo decided to pull over the things that make the line...and almost hit an older man with a cane. OH HELL NO YOU DIDN'T! I told him very firmly to stop and that if he did it again he would go on time out.

I know what your thinking. Time out? In a doctor's office? What the hell else am I going to do? Threaten to leave? Then he gets what he wants and I need to reschedule and redo this lame fiasco. No way!

To no surprise, Boo went straight back to doing it. I told him firmly he was on time out and tossed his sorry butt in the corner and then got back into line. The little snot screamed bloody murder the whole two minutes.

Yes, I was mortified. Yes, some people stared at me. Half the people probably thought, "good job mom" while the others were shouting curse words in the mind while chanting, "shut that kid up."

Two minutes was up. Boo apologized and stood by me like an angel until we left. Oh yeah, who's the boss, bitch?!? MOM!!

Kids need to know how to behave and who is in charge be it at home or in public. My kids know how to behave and the consequences.

Does that make them follow rules all the time? No (don't I wish). Does it set a good  standard and healthy base for my kids as they grow up? You bet ya!

Friday, June 3

Random Rants: Fat Ass Bad Mood

So I've been putting off blogging until I'm in a better mood. Turns out my bad mood has lasted so freaking long, I've decided to just blog about it instead.

No, I'm not PMSing.

I'm in nasty funk. I have nothing nice to say. I actually have lots of nasty things to say, but since this isn't some private diary I keep hidden under my mattress I'll spare my "loved" ones the shame (and myself the wrath).

I haven't been able to stop eating CRAP for five straight days. I'm not talking about one bad meal...I'm talking cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, hot dogs, cheeseburgers...you f-ing name it...all in the same day, every day, for FIVE DAYS!

AND shit just keeps pouring on me. My oh so sweet friend always asks why crap always happens to me. Not sure why, but I am officially the kid in Charlie Brown with the flipping rain cloud following me around!


So now that I have vented to everyone (and if you've never had a nasty funk like this before go stick your head up someone elses ass please), please let tomorrow be a new day!

UPDATE: I wrote this last night and so far, today is good!