The death of my father

So cheesey, but my daddy really was one of my best friends. We spoke several times a week and emailed daily. I was a daddy's girl to the highest degree.

On the morning before 2010 Thanksgiving my cell phone rang at just after 5 am. I saw it was an Arizona number not programmed into my address book. My heart sank. My intution had been to leave my cell on for this reason exactly over the past few months.

I answer the ominous call and all my mother said was, "He's gone".

My world stopped. She explained a few details stating it was sudden and painless, most likely a heart attack, and we hung up. I dropped to the floor and wailed a scene that would put La Bamba's "RITCHIEEEEEEEEEEE" scene to shame. I will never laugh at that scene again.

My husband booked me a flight and I was on my way there before I knew what was happening. As I sobbed a terrible scene in the airport alone, an onlooker felt the need to come pray for me. I told her why I was crying and this is what she prayed:

"Dear Lord, please grant us a miracle here today and raise this woman's father from the dead like you did in my church last month. We know you have the power, almighty one, please grant us this miracle today."

REALLY BITCH!? I have no problem with people praying for me or blessing me with voodoo even, but praying my JUST deceased father raise from the dead? WTF?

I sobbed harder and escaped her insanity. It wasn't worth telling her off and I knew she meant well, even though she just salted my wounds.

I landed in the airport and found my mom and grandma. We all embraced and cried. It was surreal to not see my daddy sitting on the bench by bagage claim where he always did. He came every single time I flew out there and waited for me on the same bench.

My mom and I survived the next few days in our own ways. I made all the arrangements for having my dad flown to California for the services while my mom dazed out. I slept only by heavy medication. Thanksgiving dinner was at Denny's after going through my dad's clothes but before donating thousands of hypodermic needles (my dad was a diabetic) to a dude who took care of small animals and some unemployed lady with a brain tumor (supposedly...even if she was a heroine addict she wasn't going to share any needles any time soon so that was a good thing).

I flew home a few days later, broken and carrying my daddy's camera and watch as my carry-on luggage. I had a huge journey left in front of me then, and I still do today.

My kids see dead people

My family has experienced a lot of death this past year. My husband lost a friend and two grandma's and I lost my father. The kids knew the two grandma's and my father well.

In many cultures, children are completely involved in the grieving and funeral process. There are also many cultures in which children are excluded. It is somewhat standard in our culture to lean away from involving young children.

That being said, I strongly believe in involving children in the funeral process, viewing and all. My children attended the viewings and funerals for the three people that died this year that were close to them. They were roughly one and two years old for these events.

That's right, I held my kids up to see inside the coffin of their deceased and beloved Papa (my father) and GG's (great grandmas). I know some of you think I should be locked up or psychoanalyzed now. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinions!

They did NOT attend the funeral of my husband's friend whom they did not know or love. That would have been unnecessary and inappropriate.

Children learn a very important and valuable lesson when they witness death and the grieving process. Young children are mostly impacted by other people's behavior and feelings surrounding the death. "It is from these responses that children come to understand that death is very important, sad and significantly different from most other events in life.  Knowing that children are learning from us during the process can be a motivating force for us to get the support necessary to go through the grieving process in healthy ways." quoted here.

I was a complete mess after the death of my father. Emotional wreck in charge of two small kids. I cried out of no where and was easily agitated. My kids went to the funeral. They saw Papa, mommy's daddy, was dead and that everyone there was weeping and sad for his death. When I was crying my kids gave me a hug and said "mommy sad because papa's dead". When I flipped out about a small mess, I quickly apologized and explained mommy is sad because of Papa's death, but that it was not ok for mommy to yell and I was sorry. They were completely included in the process from start to finish (wherever the finish line is...haven't reached that yet).

I did not say Papa was sleeping. I did not want my kids afraid that I or they would never wake up.

They have not shown any increased fear of death now that they understand it so well.

They have not shown any psycho or morbid tendencies like playing dead or killing animals or anything.

For my family, involving our children in the death process of loved ones was a well thought and good choice. My precious children understand death is sad part of life and how we move on as a family.

I invite you to consider involving your children in the grieving process when a loved one close to them dies. I also respect if you feel it is not something you agree with. Just remember, children will one day be adults and need you to show them how to handle the more difficult times in life before they are completely matured and shocked by life's harsh realities.