Book Review: Skinny Bitch

Let me start by prefacing that I am NOT a reader and I sure as hell am not a dieter! I read a few books a year max as I much prefer the net and trash TV (I'm sure my IQ reflects it so I will not be testing it anytime soon).

So onto the book, Skinny Bitch: A No-Nonsense, Tough-Love Guide for Savvy Girls Who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous! by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin....two totally skinny bitches. Here's a pic.

This book is VERY easy to read and is packed with flipping hilarious snappy comments and ideas throughout. The overall idea is to go natural vegan. It is waaay too extreme of a lifestyle for me, but has some very intriguing ideas that makes sense to me and a few tips and trick I choose to follow.


Here are some of my fave experts...I could seriously quote the whole book!

"Cigarettes are for losers. They are so 1989 and totally uncool. Not only do they screw up your whole body chemistry, they also kill your taste buds. It's no wonder you eat shit and garbage. Smoking's out. Give it up."

"Soda is liquid Satan....high levels of phosphorous can increase calcium loss..., as can its sodium and caffeine...And last time we checked, sugar...does not make you skinny! Now don't go patting yourself on the back if you drink diet soda. That stuff is even worse. Aspartame...has been blamed for a slew of scary maladies, like arthritis, birth defects, fibromyalgia, Alzheimer's, lupus, multiple sclerosis, and diabetes. When methyl alcohol, a component of aspartame, enters your body, it turns into formaldehyde. Formaldehyde is toxic and carcinogenic (cancer-causing). Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it."

"Coffee is for pussies...If you can't wake up without it, it's because you are either addicted to caffeine, sleep deprived, or a generally unhealthy slob...[even decaf] is highly acidic. Acidic foods cause your body to produce fat cells."

“Whenever you see the words ‘fat-free’ or ‘low-fat’, think of the words ‘chemical shit storm’.”

"Sucralose (Spelnda) has been found to cause diarrhea; organ, genetic, immune system and reproductive damage; swelling of the liver and kidneys; and a decrease in fetal body weight."

Postpartum or Culture Shock: An Unhealthy Dose of Both

So I would love to focus on the wonderful parts of parenthood as there are so many, but I don't feel I'm doing any future mommies good by doing what all others did to me. All I heard was "oh you'll fall in love the moment you see that little baby". Well, I didn't.

I spent nine months feeling like crap and donating my body to a sick science experiment. I woke up daily and did a stretchmarks search and reeked of a nasty blend of Vaseline and Palmer's Cocoa Butter (the smell still makes my stomach turn to this day). I had heartburn from five days before I knew I was pregnant until the second Boo was out of my body. In the last few months of pregnancy I gave up sleep (you try to sleep after gaining 30 pounds in your gut with a strong set of arms in legs in you paired with constant heartburn) and took up sciatic nerve pain as a nightly ritual instead.

Labor itself was fine lasting just over nineteen and a half hours. As I mentioned previously, his heart rate was dropping and he had to have CPR just after birth. I saw him and.....well, he looked like a wrinkly old man. Cute wrinkly old man, don't get me wrong. Daddy held him first while I chugged my first drink of water sans heartburn in 40 plus weeks and a doctor stitched up what was left of me. I held him and looked at awe at what I created. But that was about it. Crazy shit there really was a baby in there. Ok, now I'm flipping exhausted let's go to bed.  So we did.

Wake up seven hours later (nurses gave me lots of crap about that thinking duh, I should have woken him up every two hours to feed him...hell no!) and blood blisters all over my nipples. And oh my god are you SURE there isn't another baby in this tummy? AND holy crap am I going to need a blood transfusion or something if I bleed another drop?!?!? We go home and life starts...or ends?

I had spent nine months obsessing over my pregnancy week by week and then hours on end obsessing over labor itself. I had never really taken the time to focus on everything after being discharged from the hospital. Sure people told me the sleep deprivation was rough, but no one really told me that I would feel like I just ran a 19 plus hour marathon after not sleeping well for several months...not to mention that labor is basically a major surgery to your body and you will hurt! So here I am exhausted and looking at this always hungry life sucker that won't even smile at me (babies don't smile until about six weeks old....they literally have nothing to offer but poop and demands at all hours of the night and day for the first several weeks of like).

I had ruined my life. OMG I HAD RUINED MY LIFE! Crap. I can't give him back because this wasn't an adoption. Maybe I can run away and not look back. Or (here's where it gets really rough) maybe I'll get lucky and he'll die of SIDS. I never once thought to inflict harm on him, but after a few months I realized these thoughts were definitely postpartum.

However, I find it hard to believe that most first time mothers don't have similar thoughts. I have spoken to several moms who have...especially moms who have no immediate connection and feel guilty because they're "supposed" to.

Anyhow, everything fell into place when I gave up trying to breastfeed and switched to formula when he was two weeks old. The little booger started looking at me when I fed him and slept much longer stretches of time. My body became mine again (well, more than when I was breastfeeding). By the time he was two months old we were two peas in a pod and are to this day. I had a much healthier attitude the second time around (at least in my opinion). I looked at Bubbi's first 6 weeks as pure survival mode. Once that precious baby gives you a smile everything is worth it and you can start to feel all the good things that are to come.

And then there was Boo

I guess it would be best to start with my pregnancy with Boo. I've never wanted anything more than to be a mommy. I went to a college preparatory high school where the girls were trained to be doctors and lawyers (however several ended up being strippers...imagine that). Anyhow, my dream was to be a stay at home mom so you can imagine the looks I got! So getting pregnant was supposed to be step one in my lifelong dream. NO! I freaked out swearing the child was going to have a serious disorder if I didn't miscarry first. I hated pretty much everything about being pregnant. I don't care what anyone says, being pregnant is the most unnatural thing that can happen to a woman's body!!! I had constant morning sickness without vomiting until week 18. I had the world's worst road rage. My boobs hurt, my back hurt, I ended up having fainting spells from low blood pressure (one while I was driving....awesome), it hurt to no end when the baby moved and I was always waiting for him to make me spontaneously vomit or poop my pants (never happened). Labor was fine....nineteen and a half hours with only ten minutes of pushing. His heart rate dropped quickly and they pulled out hedge sheers for an episiotomy. I took one look at those and pushed him out!! His APGAR score was a 2 (on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being the worst). They did CPR and he was fine. Very scary, but his five minute APGAR score was a 9. Then I attempted breastfeeding and we all went to sleep. I woke up to find blood blisters all over my poor boobs! Insert several painful meetings with lactation consultants, missed sleep and four second degree tears down there and life SUCKED! I officially thought I had ruined my life!!!

Insert two weeks of secretly planning running away and failed breastfeeding attempts. I gave up on being the perfect mommy early...breastfeeding wasn't going to work. At 6 weeks I cried because I couldn't go back to work yet (6 more weeks off via Paid Family Leave). By 12 weeks I cried because I thought I may have to go back to work. From there life got much better and Boo was a perfect baby. By about 2.5 months he was sleeping ten plus hour stretches...insert Bubbi Oops here.