Diary of a Neurotic Mom: Coffee crack whore

 I woke up this am and drank my coffee like every other day. However, we were out of my usual breakfast item...a banana (no, that's not all I eat for breakfast...just a starter until my mojo is going).

So about an hour later I am in FULL CRACK HEAD MODE! But really, it was awesome!

I vacuumed the downstairs and the stairs, I mopped three times (yes, neurotic - twice with pinesol and then once with water to get the nasty smelling pinesol up - bought the wrong sent last time), magic erasered the pantry door, cut and organized a butt load of coupons (and yes, I am getting into extreme couponing - rock out with your cock out ladies!) and still had some steam left in me to take care of the kids.

Here's the nasty sink water...why the HELL are my floors so gross even

though I mop two to three times a week?!?!?

And here's Bubbi crawling. She no longer walks, even on the carpet, when I mopping. She falls and slips too much (even with shoes on).

But then the inevitable happened. The crash.

I was a bitch to the kids.

I was sweaty and sticky as it was noon and I still hadn't taken a shower and had been psycho cleaning for several hours.

The kids flipped out and turned into froathy mouthed heathens as I'd forgotten to feed them lunch in my crack whore coffee high.

It was over. My high was over....and my house? F-ING TRASHED!!! While I was so busy deep cleaning the kids were busy tornadoing around dumping toys and spreading coupon paper scraps while dripping their snack, watermelon, all over my clean floors.

Hmmm. Not sure I'll be doing that again anytime soon.

Diary of a Neurotic Mom: Who is BAAAAAAA-ing!??!?!

Ok guys, most of you have been hear.

Some POS toy in the kids playroom has dying batteries and is therefore letting out random "baa's" (come on people, like a sheep).

I can't find it. I didn't even know we had a toy that baa-ed. I've sat quietly in the middle of the room a few times waiting for the terrible sound so I could attack it and shred it to pieces like the wild beast it has turned me into and...nothing!!

(photo from http://www.noahslostark.org/about_us.htm)

So after a few minutes I go on with my life and then, of course, "BAAAAAA"!

F*** ME!!

I'll find it. And when I do, that thing will wish it had just died quickly and quietly.

Diary of neurotic mom:The evolution of my myrmecophobia

As I have stated in the past, I am darn close to full on myrmecophobia (phobia of ants). If you missed it, be sure to read my procedure for dealing with a scout ant at http://bubbiandboo.blogspot.com/2011/03/scout-ant-headhunter.html.

So I thought you might all like to see my issue with ants slowly turn into a true psychiatric disorder (as a case study for those sicked hearted people who are glad there are people worse off then themselves....much like myself).

My latest and greatest addition to my insanity is emptying the vacuum every time I use it. Why? Well, the large majority of crap I vacuum up is food. And although I hate to admit it, I'm sure I vacuum up an ant or two without noticing.

OMG!?!? What if the scout ant lived through being vacuumed and found the way back to his homies....then they all had a party to my vacuum and back through my livingroom, down the hallway and straight into my laundry room!??! OH HELL NO!!!

ANNNNNND, what if my vacuum smells like a five star restaurant and some ant hits the jackpot and tells his homies....again, terrible picture of a thick parade of ants to my vacuum!!!

So yes, my issue with ants continues to escalate into more neurotic, ritualistic behaviors. Wonder if I should see some help?

Um, maybe later.

My Morning: Too much shopping

So today, like any other stay at home mom, I had to take the kids with me to run a few errands (so makes me miss my lunch breaks at work).

First stop Sam's Club, a warehouse membership store in my area. Kids did great. Well, Boo did great and Bubbi tried to stand up in the cart a few times...nothing too bad.

Next stop BabiesRUs. We tore the place up. I let them check out every isle of toys and cleaned up after them (though I must brag that they mostly put the toys back where they belonged when they were done...however most still leaves 49 out of 100 toys for mommy to pick up). Again, a little hectic but nothing too bad. Worst thing was probably Boo begging for stuff, something he just now started to do. Yuck.

Onto get new shoes. Why? Well, Boo lost ONE shoe to the brand new $30 ones I just bought him. So I bought cheap $5 ones...that TIE with LACES! STUPID! Now he can't do them by himself and he thinks its awesome to knot them. Bubbi like to completely unlace them every chance she gets.

So 2 weeks of having one pair of shoes that fits with laces, time to buy some new shoes.

Back to the store. The lady whips out the shoes sizer and Boo says "sissy first". Bubbi does like its, well, as painless as getting your damn foot sized. Boo? He runs away screaming and f-ing hides! Find him and try to get him to physically place his foot on the apparently flaming, man eating metal foot sizer while, you guessed it, Bubbi runs and hides. WTF?

Not even close to getting an acurate messurment for Boo, I drop him (oops, literally) and run to chase Bubbi down. I'm no joke that screaming mom in public that should never have had kids. I promise frozen yogurt to any child that sits in the stroller and behaves. So now everyone is in the stupid stroller.

I grab some flipping Crocs, try them on his feet and check out. Bubbi wiggles free and is again running a muck while I ditch my wallet and Boo to go chase her down, yes, again.

We leave. Thank god.

At this point I would have literally had to beat and bend the crap out of Bubbi to get her back in the seat so I let her walk holding my hand to the car. Almost there she pulls a fast one and runs to the curb to balance walk on it! AGAIN! AWESOME MOM!

Grab her shove the kids and the shoes in the car, warning Bubbi that if she has one more bad behavior she will not get her treat. As Boo tries to slide past her to get into his seat she dead locks him between her shoes and the chair. He's flipping out, but not screaming yet because she has the wind knocked out of him!

BUBBI! NO NO! NO TREAT!

She lets go and they both cry in unison. Yes, I am getting dirty looks from the old people who just parked next to me.

We drive through McDonald's to get Boo's "frozen yogurt" (really a fruit and yogurt parfait). Bubbi cries when she sees I really didn't get her one. I cry too because I feel so bad, but know she needs to start taking me seriously.

So I look back and this is what I see...

AHHH! What a mess! The really stupid part? I gave this to the kids just a few days ago in the car and they did the same thing! Why would I be so stupid as to do it twice, I don't know. I don't know.

And of course, here is Bubbi with her sad face sans her treat...

Random Rants: Bow Flushing

I was recently looking for Bubbi's satin red bow....then I remembered why I couldn't find it.

She "accidentally" flushed it down the toilet.

Bubbi has long been overly interested in all things having to do with the potty. Several months ago we were at a restaurant taking a potty break in an attempt to not tear the whole restaurant down before our food came.

Boo (yes, we travel in herds round here to the bathroom) flushed the high powered toilet and at that exact moment Bubbi had an uncontrollable urge to rip her beautiful bow out of her hair and toss in the pot.

Woosh! Scream (I totally over-reacted as it really was a super cute bow)! Bubbi looks at me and I say, as any stupid mom, "ALL GONE!!!" She freaks out and starts screaming, "BOW! BOW!!!"  I explain that we don't put things in the toilet because then they are all gone.

Ten minutes later she calms down and our food comes. Lord, I can't take this girl anywhere!

Diary of neurotic mom: Alcoholism, please

Let me quickly start that I would like to call this section "Diary of a neurotic mommy", but Boo, Mr. J Cool himself, calls me mom more than mommy...so mom it is. Another note, I am neurotic. If you know me well, you will have thought "no shit". Thanks for the love.

Wikipedia defines Neurosis as a class of functional mental disorders involving distress but neither delusions nor hallucinations, whereby behavior is not outside socially acceptable norms. OMG I really am neurotic?!? Hard for me to believe most moms aren't to a certain extent, but that's just my opinion.

Ok, to the post.

Ever since I was pregnant with Bubbi, my second, I often found myself having to consciously choose to not be an alcoholic. Of course it wasn't an option when I was pregnant, but I did think several times a week, "thank god I'm pregnant because this would be the ideal time to become an alcoholic".

Now that my body is mine, the option to become an alcoholic is continually appealing. Especially after last night! Boo, my long-time champion sleeper, has been waking up at night and keeping me up for an hour plus (long story not meant for this post...this one is about the mommies dammit).

Wake up this morning at 8 am after being awake from 2:15 am to about 4:30 am. Grumpy and feel what I can only describe as hungover (no, I took no meds or drank no booze in the last 24 hours). First thought? Oh how wonderful it would be to pop a xanax and chase it down with a fish-bowl sized glass of red wine!

Now there would have been a time when I kept this desire (that's all it is...a desire that will never be acted upon because, well, I enjoy having custody of my kids...usually) to myself. However, a friend posted a jest on Facebook yesterday referring to stay-at-home moms taking valium. The responses were hilarious ranging from calling valium "mother's-little-helper" to stating "I'm on the wine train" and "choo choo"!

My point? If you wake up and find yourself ashamed that you want to start the day with a hardcore sedative and/or a bottle of tequila, don't! Not saying you should act on it...at least not every day.