Just Call CPS: Gum and the dyer

No, it isn't what you think - no gum was in my dryer. However, I did win another patch for my Mother of the Year jacket.

My latest and greatest obsession has been extreme couponing (google it if you must). I was online researching coupons instead of watching my kids every moves (gasp! I never said I was a great or nearly perfect mom)...in the middle of the kitchen/house mind you.

Boo runs up to show me a piece of GUM he wants to give daddy. WTF!? Where did he get gum?? So I run into the room to find two freaking packs of gum spread all over with several empty wrappers. CRAP!

I quickly count the wrappers and note that there are six or seven missing pieces of gum. I start to look for the pieces then use my mommy smarts and smell his breath. Yum. The little shit ate gum. AHHH!

I run to the fridge to call poison control from my handy fridge magnet (no surprise that I've had to call them several times before), but it isn't there! Why do I throw away important things when I clean/purge?!? REALLY? Thank god he didn't drink f-ing draino!

Laptop is up and running so I google poison control and call them. I go through the standard questions (yes, I know the routine well). As the nice man on the other end of the line is confirming Boo will live (should I not wring his neck) with only the slight possibility of the runs, my husband shouts out, "you're daughter is in the f***ing dryer!"

CRAP! Did the man on the phone here that? CPS will be here for sure if he did!!

I quickly hang up and run to save my apparently suicidal two-year-old Bubbi. She is unscathed and all I can do is laugh (after firmly reminding her the washer and dryer are not toys/dangerous).

Haaaahaaaa. Yeah, hilarious.

Just Call CPS: At Town Center

Being the stupid and spacey mom I am, I thought it would be a great idea to get the kids out of the house even though they've been sick. It was that or kill them both and then myself (not really, but you get the idea). After a few days on lock down, Bubbi snapped and started biting, hitting, pushing, pulling, sitting on and just in general driving Boo insane CONSTANTLY.

So we left the four walls and went to get some take out to eat at Town Center's picnic area (usually empty/few to no kids to expose to our latest and greatest ailment). We get there and eat...all is well.

Boo wants to cross the street to go to the other picnic area. I take Boo's hand and try to grab Bubbi's. "NO!" she tells me. That's nice, too bad. You have to hold my hand or we aren't crossing the street.

She drops to the floor and pulls a full on tantrum. Boo is starting to get upset because he'd prefer we cross the street than stand and watch Bubbi scream on the floor (yup, that's what I do....let them scream until they are ready to do what needs to be done).

Three minutes later, Bubbi is still screaming. We are right by the street and cars are slowing down to get a good look at the scene. I smile at them to assure I don't need help...or the police called on me. After about five minutes I pick up the ranging almost two-year-old and carry her flailing body across the street while holding Boo's compliant hand (she's holding strong and not about to stop tantruming any time soon). He runs to play. I somewhat drop, somewhat set down Bubbi's insanely pissed body as she continues to tantrum. Of course I look up to see about 10 business people enjoying what was a quiet happy hour on the patio of a local bistro...laughing at Bubbi. I smile and look down at my naughty lemur acting her damn age.

Ok, so now its been 10 minutes. She is not regrouping in the slightest even though we crossed the street (hand holding being the original source of this all). I call Boo over and tell him time to go. He's bummed but follows. He whines a few times because he wants me to hold him (but I am doing my best to hold the flailing, insane Bubbi).

We make it to the car (singing comes from the heavens). Boo gets in and I take a quick moment to thank him for his amazing behavior. I have to wrestle Bubbi into her seat all wrestling WWE style (had to throw my elbow to get her buckled as she was still in full satanic toddler mode).

The rabid beast screams the ENTIRE 15 minutes home. Boo looks like he's dying. What the hell was I thinking?!?!

We get home. Boo's fever is 102!!! OMG I SUCK!!! Bubbi recovers and continues to be an antagonistic brat to her brother. He cries so hard from one of her jabs he pukes. EARLY BEDTIME!

Judge away. I totally blew this one!

Wordless Wednesday: Gogurt oops

Boo apparently had some gogurt shoot out accidentally (believe me it was not on purpose as gogurt is very special to him).

This is what I walked up to see...

As you can see, Bubbi could care less as she is too busy eating her gogurt...

Once I finished cleaning Bubbi off, I saw this...

And yes, I was yelling for him to stop as I was taking the picture. Terrible mom. Oh well, hilarious!

Just Call CPS: I am only one

Kids get hurt. It happens. Still a sad sight when it does!

This past weekend we went to a quaint little town as a family. Daddy wanted to run into a delicate trinket store, a no go for the kids.

So the kids and I spent a few minutes alone like we do every other day of our lives when daddy works. Unfortunately, things went bad quickly.

Bubbi fell and scraped her shin and knee. No biggie. Time to head to the car anyways as daddy would only be a few minutes. So I buckle Bubbi into her seat and clean her scrapes.

Boo is directed to hold onto the chain in between two metal posts. He is within arms reach and I can see him out of the corner of my eye. He is a good listener and only needs to wait while I quickly clean Bubbi's leg before I buckle him in on the other side.

Thud, scream and Boo is gone from the corner of my eye!!!

AHHH! I look over to see Boo getting off the floor with asphalt nastiness in his hair. He's trying to cry, but doing that gasping for air thing. Poor dude must have flipped over the top of the chain he was "holding" on to. Ok, mommy kiss it better.

Then he turns up to look at me and this is what I see...

Holy crap! A goose egg from hell that is bleeding!!! WHERE IS DADDY! NEED ASSISTANCE!

I console Boo and wait for what seemed like hours (less than five minutes) until daddy comes to the car (champ Boo had stopped crying after only a minute or two). The minute he walks up I burst into tears. He sees the damage and runs to a restaurant to grab Boo some ice.

Boo's fine. Bubbi ate it over a pile of sticks an hour later and gashed up the same leg a little more before we made it to the safety of home (and pants). Mommy needed a drink. Long day. Being only one person, one mommy with more than one kid, can be rough...for everyone!

My Morning: Too much shopping

So today, like any other stay at home mom, I had to take the kids with me to run a few errands (so makes me miss my lunch breaks at work).

First stop Sam's Club, a warehouse membership store in my area. Kids did great. Well, Boo did great and Bubbi tried to stand up in the cart a few times...nothing too bad.

Next stop BabiesRUs. We tore the place up. I let them check out every isle of toys and cleaned up after them (though I must brag that they mostly put the toys back where they belonged when they were done...however most still leaves 49 out of 100 toys for mommy to pick up). Again, a little hectic but nothing too bad. Worst thing was probably Boo begging for stuff, something he just now started to do. Yuck.

Onto get new shoes. Why? Well, Boo lost ONE shoe to the brand new $30 ones I just bought him. So I bought cheap $5 ones...that TIE with LACES! STUPID! Now he can't do them by himself and he thinks its awesome to knot them. Bubbi like to completely unlace them every chance she gets.

So 2 weeks of having one pair of shoes that fits with laces, time to buy some new shoes.

Back to the store. The lady whips out the shoes sizer and Boo says "sissy first". Bubbi does like its, well, as painless as getting your damn foot sized. Boo? He runs away screaming and f-ing hides! Find him and try to get him to physically place his foot on the apparently flaming, man eating metal foot sizer while, you guessed it, Bubbi runs and hides. WTF?

Not even close to getting an acurate messurment for Boo, I drop him (oops, literally) and run to chase Bubbi down. I'm no joke that screaming mom in public that should never have had kids. I promise frozen yogurt to any child that sits in the stroller and behaves. So now everyone is in the stupid stroller.

I grab some flipping Crocs, try them on his feet and check out. Bubbi wiggles free and is again running a muck while I ditch my wallet and Boo to go chase her down, yes, again.

We leave. Thank god.

At this point I would have literally had to beat and bend the crap out of Bubbi to get her back in the seat so I let her walk holding my hand to the car. Almost there she pulls a fast one and runs to the curb to balance walk on it! AGAIN! AWESOME MOM!

Grab her shove the kids and the shoes in the car, warning Bubbi that if she has one more bad behavior she will not get her treat. As Boo tries to slide past her to get into his seat she dead locks him between her shoes and the chair. He's flipping out, but not screaming yet because she has the wind knocked out of him!

BUBBI! NO NO! NO TREAT!

She lets go and they both cry in unison. Yes, I am getting dirty looks from the old people who just parked next to me.

We drive through McDonald's to get Boo's "frozen yogurt" (really a fruit and yogurt parfait). Bubbi cries when she sees I really didn't get her one. I cry too because I feel so bad, but know she needs to start taking me seriously.

So I look back and this is what I see...

AHHH! What a mess! The really stupid part? I gave this to the kids just a few days ago in the car and they did the same thing! Why would I be so stupid as to do it twice, I don't know. I don't know.

And of course, here is Bubbi with her sad face sans her treat...

Just Call CPS: Bubbi in the shower

Now I'm no idiot (insert laugh here)...I know kids can drown in even an inch of water so I would never leave them unattended in the bath, around an open toilet (especially nasty Bubbi who thinks they are splash pools) etc.

Sooo, being the bright person I am:

Bubbi, Boo and I were taking a family shower after Bubbi got her first UTI at around 15 months and the doctor suggested no more soap/shampoo etc in the bathtub. Easy enough. Boo, not so fond...Bubbi loves showers!

So we're having a nakey party in the shower and Boo has to go pee. Not wanting to confuse him as he was just starting to potty train (sure dude, pee in the shower), I took Boo to the pot and left Bubbi in the shower...just a few steps away.

He pees, we run back and HOLY CRAP!! Bubbi is seriously standing face up towards the water and struggling to get air! I get her out of the stream of water and she burps, pukes and cries. She's over it in a second and wants to go back in the shower.

WTF? Kids are really too stupid to turn their heads away from a stream of water?!?!?! Apparently.
Kind of reminds me of the myth that chickens and roosters are so stupid they drown in the rain because they keep looking up at it (apparently proved wrong by Mythbusters).

And moms like me are too stupid to think kids can only drown if there is water pooling somewhere (our shower has no tiny pools and drains like a champ)? Uh, yeah....RIGHT HERE!

So, be careful you stupid parents. Yes, kids are that dumb!