Randon Rants: I said WHAT?

I did it...one of those huge social faux pas. Thank god, no, I didn't ask a non-pregnant lady when she was having her baby.

I did, however, ask a 60+ year old woman and her 68+ year old husband how old their granddaughter was.

"Oh, she's our daughter. She'll be six in a few months."

Ok Ramona, put your foot in your mouth and walk away. Me, no. I'm not slick like that. So I ask where they adopted her from.

HOLY CRAP I JUST ASKED WHAT!?!? Do I EVER think before I speak!?!? Rarely.

"The Philippines. It was a four year process........"

Thank you, Lord. It was obvious as the little girl was obviously not the daughter to the two old white folks. They went on to tell me their awesome and insane adoption story. Apparently you must reside in the Philippines for three years once you gain possession of the child (that sounds terrible...gain possession?).

Hm. Very interesting. Let's try and keep our mouth shut next time, yes?

Just Call CPS: At Town Center

Being the stupid and spacey mom I am, I thought it would be a great idea to get the kids out of the house even though they've been sick. It was that or kill them both and then myself (not really, but you get the idea). After a few days on lock down, Bubbi snapped and started biting, hitting, pushing, pulling, sitting on and just in general driving Boo insane CONSTANTLY.

So we left the four walls and went to get some take out to eat at Town Center's picnic area (usually empty/few to no kids to expose to our latest and greatest ailment). We get there and eat...all is well.

Boo wants to cross the street to go to the other picnic area. I take Boo's hand and try to grab Bubbi's. "NO!" she tells me. That's nice, too bad. You have to hold my hand or we aren't crossing the street.

She drops to the floor and pulls a full on tantrum. Boo is starting to get upset because he'd prefer we cross the street than stand and watch Bubbi scream on the floor (yup, that's what I do....let them scream until they are ready to do what needs to be done).

Three minutes later, Bubbi is still screaming. We are right by the street and cars are slowing down to get a good look at the scene. I smile at them to assure I don't need help...or the police called on me. After about five minutes I pick up the ranging almost two-year-old and carry her flailing body across the street while holding Boo's compliant hand (she's holding strong and not about to stop tantruming any time soon). He runs to play. I somewhat drop, somewhat set down Bubbi's insanely pissed body as she continues to tantrum. Of course I look up to see about 10 business people enjoying what was a quiet happy hour on the patio of a local bistro...laughing at Bubbi. I smile and look down at my naughty lemur acting her damn age.

Ok, so now its been 10 minutes. She is not regrouping in the slightest even though we crossed the street (hand holding being the original source of this all). I call Boo over and tell him time to go. He's bummed but follows. He whines a few times because he wants me to hold him (but I am doing my best to hold the flailing, insane Bubbi).

We make it to the car (singing comes from the heavens). Boo gets in and I take a quick moment to thank him for his amazing behavior. I have to wrestle Bubbi into her seat all wrestling WWE style (had to throw my elbow to get her buckled as she was still in full satanic toddler mode).

The rabid beast screams the ENTIRE 15 minutes home. Boo looks like he's dying. What the hell was I thinking?!?!

We get home. Boo's fever is 102!!! OMG I SUCK!!! Bubbi recovers and continues to be an antagonistic brat to her brother. He cries so hard from one of her jabs he pukes. EARLY BEDTIME!

Judge away. I totally blew this one!

My Morning: Too much shopping

So today, like any other stay at home mom, I had to take the kids with me to run a few errands (so makes me miss my lunch breaks at work).

First stop Sam's Club, a warehouse membership store in my area. Kids did great. Well, Boo did great and Bubbi tried to stand up in the cart a few times...nothing too bad.

Next stop BabiesRUs. We tore the place up. I let them check out every isle of toys and cleaned up after them (though I must brag that they mostly put the toys back where they belonged when they were done...however most still leaves 49 out of 100 toys for mommy to pick up). Again, a little hectic but nothing too bad. Worst thing was probably Boo begging for stuff, something he just now started to do. Yuck.

Onto get new shoes. Why? Well, Boo lost ONE shoe to the brand new $30 ones I just bought him. So I bought cheap $5 ones...that TIE with LACES! STUPID! Now he can't do them by himself and he thinks its awesome to knot them. Bubbi like to completely unlace them every chance she gets.

So 2 weeks of having one pair of shoes that fits with laces, time to buy some new shoes.

Back to the store. The lady whips out the shoes sizer and Boo says "sissy first". Bubbi does like its, well, as painless as getting your damn foot sized. Boo? He runs away screaming and f-ing hides! Find him and try to get him to physically place his foot on the apparently flaming, man eating metal foot sizer while, you guessed it, Bubbi runs and hides. WTF?

Not even close to getting an acurate messurment for Boo, I drop him (oops, literally) and run to chase Bubbi down. I'm no joke that screaming mom in public that should never have had kids. I promise frozen yogurt to any child that sits in the stroller and behaves. So now everyone is in the stupid stroller.

I grab some flipping Crocs, try them on his feet and check out. Bubbi wiggles free and is again running a muck while I ditch my wallet and Boo to go chase her down, yes, again.

We leave. Thank god.

At this point I would have literally had to beat and bend the crap out of Bubbi to get her back in the seat so I let her walk holding my hand to the car. Almost there she pulls a fast one and runs to the curb to balance walk on it! AGAIN! AWESOME MOM!

Grab her shove the kids and the shoes in the car, warning Bubbi that if she has one more bad behavior she will not get her treat. As Boo tries to slide past her to get into his seat she dead locks him between her shoes and the chair. He's flipping out, but not screaming yet because she has the wind knocked out of him!

BUBBI! NO NO! NO TREAT!

She lets go and they both cry in unison. Yes, I am getting dirty looks from the old people who just parked next to me.

We drive through McDonald's to get Boo's "frozen yogurt" (really a fruit and yogurt parfait). Bubbi cries when she sees I really didn't get her one. I cry too because I feel so bad, but know she needs to start taking me seriously.

So I look back and this is what I see...

AHHH! What a mess! The really stupid part? I gave this to the kids just a few days ago in the car and they did the same thing! Why would I be so stupid as to do it twice, I don't know. I don't know.

And of course, here is Bubbi with her sad face sans her treat...

Just Call CPS: Bubbi in the shower

Now I'm no idiot (insert laugh here)...I know kids can drown in even an inch of water so I would never leave them unattended in the bath, around an open toilet (especially nasty Bubbi who thinks they are splash pools) etc.

Sooo, being the bright person I am:

Bubbi, Boo and I were taking a family shower after Bubbi got her first UTI at around 15 months and the doctor suggested no more soap/shampoo etc in the bathtub. Easy enough. Boo, not so fond...Bubbi loves showers!

So we're having a nakey party in the shower and Boo has to go pee. Not wanting to confuse him as he was just starting to potty train (sure dude, pee in the shower), I took Boo to the pot and left Bubbi in the shower...just a few steps away.

He pees, we run back and HOLY CRAP!! Bubbi is seriously standing face up towards the water and struggling to get air! I get her out of the stream of water and she burps, pukes and cries. She's over it in a second and wants to go back in the shower.

WTF? Kids are really too stupid to turn their heads away from a stream of water?!?!?! Apparently.
Kind of reminds me of the myth that chickens and roosters are so stupid they drown in the rain because they keep looking up at it (apparently proved wrong by Mythbusters).

And moms like me are too stupid to think kids can only drown if there is water pooling somewhere (our shower has no tiny pools and drains like a champ)? Uh, yeah....RIGHT HERE!

So, be careful you stupid parents. Yes, kids are that dumb!

Great Tips and Tricks: What baby book?

If you're anything like me, your kid's baby book isn't much more than a messy stack of doctor reports and a baby shower invitation. Or maybe your second child (or third...) is the one with the POS for a remembrance (poor Bubbi).

Think those special dates and memories are lost forever in a mind that fails you in remembering to pack a a few extra diapers? Well, they are in your poor excuse for a brain, but they aren't in cyber space! Go back over your emails and Facebook posts and you will find TONS of fabulous info regarding lots of milestones and funnies your precious little one/s made over the years! An added bonus will be some cute candids you uploaded as well...

Here are a few memories from my personal Facebook history:



3/5/2011
 "always know I'm driving a little too wild when bubbi throws her hands up and shouts weeeeeeeee"

2/7/2011
"omg sooo sweet! mason is singing "hello to mommy...I love u" over and over again to the tune of the music together opening song! too bad he's supposed to be napping"

Poor Boo!

3/11/2011

Where's Bubbi?

2/24/2011

Play Lipstick!

2/9/2011

Two Peas in a Pod

2/14/2011

Lolipop Monster

2/15/2011 

Random facts you may or may not want to know

10 ~ I always say hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. My supporting fact? Pupils dilate when you look at someone you love...they also dilate when you look at someone you hate!

9 ~ Pregnant women's brains shrink and it takes roughly six months after delivering for them to regain their normal size. "Mom Brain" is a flipping fact husbands!

8 ~ Blood-injection phobia is the only phobia in which your blood pressure drops instead of rises...insert fainting instead of panic attacks here. I have this...bad.

7 ~ The multi-generational household (think grandma moving in) has increased 33% from 1980 to 2008...this has taken place over all major demographic groups.

6 ~ When someone farts fecal particles are expelled into the air...and depending on the filtration of that person (think pants and underwear) and the size of the particles YOU MIGHT BREATHE OR SWALLOW SOME! I always flip out in public restrooms when I smell poop...no filters! I should...and so should you!

5 ~ Peanut butter has about 30 insect fragments and one rodent hair per cup. Eew.

4 ~ "Skinny Bitch" (great read by Freedman and Barnouin) theory: Milk makes us fat. We are the only species that drink milk as adults...by nature milk/dairy is for infants looking to double or triple their weight in a short amount of time. I'm hoping to write a book review on this fab read soon...if I can find that damn thing.

3 ~ Starbucks is making you broke AND fat! I did the math and if I bought my $2.20 drink every day for a year I would spend nearly $1000 and consume 69,350 extra calories...that's almost a 20lb gain! Do the math for yourself. I still go, just not when my jeans are getting snug or right after the credit card bill comes in...

2 ~  You'd be better off eating from a public restroom toilet seat than a mall food tray (http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2011/02/14/bc-food-trays-bacteria.html?ref=rss).

1 ~ Shopping is GOOD for you! It releases the same endorphins as sex, mainly dopamine.