Random Rants: Stiches from childbirth

Even though many people warned me of some of the down side to having new babies, no one told me how ITCHY the stitches healing "down there" would be!!!

Now, I had heard everything from "its better to tear than get an episiotomy" to "you'll be so sleep deprived"...no one ever told me about how terribly itchy I would be if I needed stitches!

Boo was Edward Scissor Head and tore me four terrible directions. Recovering was itchy hell until all four 2 inches stitches fell out...about six weeks after he was born. Thank god I didn't need any stitches with Bubbi! Healing was a breeze.

So mommies to be....plan on being VERY F-ING ITCHY if you need a butt load of stitches like I did. Just a friendly heads up! Supposedly hemorrhoid pads (yes, on your bruised and beaten vag) can help, but no one told me so I just suffered.

Good luck with that one ladies!

And then there was Bubbi...

I've said it, being pregnant sucks (or at least sucked for me). What's worse?  Being pregnant when you have a kid (or an infant like me...remember Boo was only 3 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Bubbi)!

Even though I didn't "work" while pregnant with Bubbi, I got waaay less rest than when I was pregnant the first time. No coming home from work at 5:30 and crashing on the couch. No deciding that Saturdays and Sundays were for beaching myself in my Lazyboy recliner with the remote. No, Boo needed to be changed, fed and played with no matter what day of the week it was.

So now I lost the only good thing about being pregnant to me, and that was sitting on my pregnant ass and being treated like a princesses. Boo didn't care! He even made me carry him up and down the stairs through the whole pregnancy (no, he was not a super baby and couldn't walk at 3 months old...wtf?). And yes, I lifted the 30 pound stroller in and out of the car even at nine months pregnant (gasp! a first time pregnant woman would probably expect to spontaneous miscarriage if they did such a thing).

The good thing? I only gained 21 pounds even though I ate anything and everything I wanted (gained 37 with Boo and that was with counting calories and going to the gym). So it had its upside...I guess.

The last few weeks of my pregnancy were torture! I cried everyday just praying for her to come and end my insanity. I checked the mirror several times a day to see if my stomach became a road map (I didn't).

I lost sleep at night over the fear of having to love a second child when I loved Boo so much. How much was he going to regress? Would he ever forgive me? Would he hate her and try to smother her to death? So many worries and discomforts!

Finally, on the night of Boo's first birthday, I went into labor. I came out of the bathroom and told hubby we might need to call 911 because there was so much blood. He just laughed and said he got a pretty good view last time and lots of blood was normal.

We got to the hospital and they put me in their stupid observation room and left me there for an hour! They finally come back and were like, "Oh we need to admit you." NO SHIT!

So I'm in excruciating pain and want my epidural (no all-natural here...I'm a puss...no shame), but they insist on giving my IV first and confirmed I didn't feel any pressure (I felt tons of pressure but no way in hell was anybody going to tell me I was too far along for an epidural).

Well, my blood pressure drops (it's low usually and both pregnancies made it go too low several times) and they can't find a vein. Then I almost pass out from the needles so Bubbi's heart rate drops too low and they need to give me juice and wait...THREE MORE TRIES WITH THE NEEDLED!

Finally they bring in the pro and get me hooked up and give me my amazing drugs. As soon as the epidural is in, I let the nurse know I was lying and did feel tons of pressure, like, a flipping hour ago before all this drama. She gives me a smirk and checks me...an 8.5+.

And what happens? The epidural totally stalled my labor..THANK GOD! I so needed some time to watch TV and read a magazine after all that pain...plus I knew the impending doom that is a newborn!

Bubbi was born five hours after my epidural. I pushed her out in 5 minutes with no stitches (healing was a breeze with her...nothing like the crap I went through after Boo was born).

My daddy, mother-in-law and Boo came to meet the new princess a few hours later. Boo was terrified of me in the hospital bed and barely interested in his new sister. I was totally distraught.

The next day we went home and began the second part of our adventure in parenting...Bubbi and Boo makes two!

My Morning: Too much shopping

So today, like any other stay at home mom, I had to take the kids with me to run a few errands (so makes me miss my lunch breaks at work).

First stop Sam's Club, a warehouse membership store in my area. Kids did great. Well, Boo did great and Bubbi tried to stand up in the cart a few times...nothing too bad.

Next stop BabiesRUs. We tore the place up. I let them check out every isle of toys and cleaned up after them (though I must brag that they mostly put the toys back where they belonged when they were done...however most still leaves 49 out of 100 toys for mommy to pick up). Again, a little hectic but nothing too bad. Worst thing was probably Boo begging for stuff, something he just now started to do. Yuck.

Onto get new shoes. Why? Well, Boo lost ONE shoe to the brand new $30 ones I just bought him. So I bought cheap $5 ones...that TIE with LACES! STUPID! Now he can't do them by himself and he thinks its awesome to knot them. Bubbi like to completely unlace them every chance she gets.

So 2 weeks of having one pair of shoes that fits with laces, time to buy some new shoes.

Back to the store. The lady whips out the shoes sizer and Boo says "sissy first". Bubbi does like its, well, as painless as getting your damn foot sized. Boo? He runs away screaming and f-ing hides! Find him and try to get him to physically place his foot on the apparently flaming, man eating metal foot sizer while, you guessed it, Bubbi runs and hides. WTF?

Not even close to getting an acurate messurment for Boo, I drop him (oops, literally) and run to chase Bubbi down. I'm no joke that screaming mom in public that should never have had kids. I promise frozen yogurt to any child that sits in the stroller and behaves. So now everyone is in the stupid stroller.

I grab some flipping Crocs, try them on his feet and check out. Bubbi wiggles free and is again running a muck while I ditch my wallet and Boo to go chase her down, yes, again.

We leave. Thank god.

At this point I would have literally had to beat and bend the crap out of Bubbi to get her back in the seat so I let her walk holding my hand to the car. Almost there she pulls a fast one and runs to the curb to balance walk on it! AGAIN! AWESOME MOM!

Grab her shove the kids and the shoes in the car, warning Bubbi that if she has one more bad behavior she will not get her treat. As Boo tries to slide past her to get into his seat she dead locks him between her shoes and the chair. He's flipping out, but not screaming yet because she has the wind knocked out of him!

BUBBI! NO NO! NO TREAT!

She lets go and they both cry in unison. Yes, I am getting dirty looks from the old people who just parked next to me.

We drive through McDonald's to get Boo's "frozen yogurt" (really a fruit and yogurt parfait). Bubbi cries when she sees I really didn't get her one. I cry too because I feel so bad, but know she needs to start taking me seriously.

So I look back and this is what I see...

AHHH! What a mess! The really stupid part? I gave this to the kids just a few days ago in the car and they did the same thing! Why would I be so stupid as to do it twice, I don't know. I don't know.

And of course, here is Bubbi with her sad face sans her treat...

Just Call CPS: Bubbi in the shower

Now I'm no idiot (insert laugh here)...I know kids can drown in even an inch of water so I would never leave them unattended in the bath, around an open toilet (especially nasty Bubbi who thinks they are splash pools) etc.

Sooo, being the bright person I am:

Bubbi, Boo and I were taking a family shower after Bubbi got her first UTI at around 15 months and the doctor suggested no more soap/shampoo etc in the bathtub. Easy enough. Boo, not so fond...Bubbi loves showers!

So we're having a nakey party in the shower and Boo has to go pee. Not wanting to confuse him as he was just starting to potty train (sure dude, pee in the shower), I took Boo to the pot and left Bubbi in the shower...just a few steps away.

He pees, we run back and HOLY CRAP!! Bubbi is seriously standing face up towards the water and struggling to get air! I get her out of the stream of water and she burps, pukes and cries. She's over it in a second and wants to go back in the shower.

WTF? Kids are really too stupid to turn their heads away from a stream of water?!?!?! Apparently.
Kind of reminds me of the myth that chickens and roosters are so stupid they drown in the rain because they keep looking up at it (apparently proved wrong by Mythbusters).

And moms like me are too stupid to think kids can only drown if there is water pooling somewhere (our shower has no tiny pools and drains like a champ)? Uh, yeah....RIGHT HERE!

So, be careful you stupid parents. Yes, kids are that dumb!

Recipe: Super healthy tukery pasta

In case you're a little dense or this is your first visit to my blog, I am not an awesome fifties housewife that cooks from scratch and keeps a perfect house. So recipes will be far and few between on here...and probably will consist of compiling several ready made ingredients! There's my disclosure.

Most young kids need a good high fat, high calorie meal here and there. By high fat, I mean high monounsaturated fats...not saturated animal fats from meat, butter and dairy. That is why I buy the leanest meat I can then add fat and calories with good fats such as olive oil and avacados.

Here is my super healthy turkey pasta! I make a large batch of the sauce and freeze it in two or three large portions so we can have it once a week without a huge hoopla and mess.

Ingredients:
~One package of super lean ground turkey
~Lots of olive oil
~One standard sized bag of frozen veggie mix
~One jar of your favorite pasta sauce (that you hopefully bought on sale and stocked up on)
~Barilla Plus Rotini Pasta (I get this kind because it has extra protein & omega-3s plus is multigrain...and rotini picks up lots of the sauce which is what you really want the kids to eat in this recipe)
~Ground flaxseed (I buy Spectrum Naturals - Essential Flaxseed Ground Organic, 14 oz granules)


1. Start cooking your ground pasta in a huge pan with LOTS of olive oil (you bought the extra lean to avoid the bad animal fat, now you must add the good monounsaturated fats to keep this a nice healthy but high calorie meal for the kiddos)...lots to me is around 1/4 cup or more.

2. Start your water boiling for your pasta.

3. Defrost your whole bag of frozen veggies (I usually put them in a colander and run hot water over them) and then throw them in a blender (or your food processor if your husband recently broker your blender...grrr).

4. Add a little bit of your fave jarred pasta sauce and turn that sucker on. Keep adding the sauce until you now have blended the whole jar of pasta sauce and the entire bag of vegetables into an unrecognizable reddish orange mix.

5. Add a few tablespoons of ground flaxseed and blend more (this does add a bit of texture to the sauce...if you  have super picky eaters, consider buying flaxseed oil to add instead).

6. I hope you have been stirring your turkey...stir the turkey!

7. Once the turkey is FULLY COOKED (I cook the crap out of any ground meat...so nasty...ground meat goes through a variety of machines etc to get ground which gives it extra chances to get exposed to botulism etc...SO COOK THE CRAP OUT OF IT PLEASE!) add all of your blended sauce and simmer until your pasta is cooked.

8. I hope you remembered to add some pasta to your boiling water! If not, do so now...then wait the extra 7 minutes you could have saved by doing it a few steps ago. Don't go sit on your ass, clean your kitchen or something.

9. Serve and enjoy!

Take the extra (there should be a lot unless you have a large family) and freeze it. Consider making a double batch next time as this recipe freezes very well...all you need to do is toss a frozen container of it in the fridge the morning you plan to serve it and heat it up, serve over freshly boiled pasta.

Beware adult eaters! This is calorie (and nutrient) dense...not something you, as an adult, want to chow on regularly unless your one of those people everyone loves to hate that can't keep weight on. Give yourself a small portion with a large salad or something. Great for kids though!! Much better option than unhealthy treats or even whole milk or cheeses (anything high fat from animal products is not a great fat) if your child is underweight or on the lower end of the charts like mine tend to be.

Vaccinations: What I did...wrong

So as a parent I'm sure you have heard about all the controversy that surrounds immunizations/vaccinations. If you haven't, google it because you should! Read this after you are a little less dense on such an important issue for your child/ren.

Having worked with an autistic girl for several years in college, I became terrified of the slough of vaccinations the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) recommends children get in the first few years of their lives. In the first two years of life, the CDC recommends three hepatitis B shots, three rotavirus shots, four DTaP shots (each one contains diphtheria, pertussis whooping cough and tetanus), four Hib shots, four pneumococcal/pneumonia shots, three polio shots, a flu shot, one MMR shot  (contains measles, mumps and rubella), one varicella/chickenpox shot and two hepatitis A shots. That is TWENTY SIX SHOTS with a total of 36 viral/bacterial exposures (or whatever you would call it) to 14 different diseases.

Now let's look at the same CDC suggested schedule from the time many of us parents were getting immunized. In 1980, infants were vaccinated against four diseases -- diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, and polio (http://www8.nationalacademies.org/onpinews/newsitem.aspx?RecordID=10306). FOUR. That's it...four different immunizations in comparison to the 14 they recommend today.

Yes, science has advanced to allow these. Yes, tons of lives have been saved.

The rate of autism appears to have gone up significantly since the 1980s (this is a very debated topic in itself as there has also been large changes in diagnostic practices). There is also the fact that the United States has what appears to be the largest prevalence of autism in the world. Who knows why...I'm serious. The catch to this whole post is I don't know...no one really knows what causes it or I wouldn't even need to write this damn book!.

Insert ten pages of conspiracy theory stating all the studies that have found no correlation between the shots and autism are funded by the people who make the vaccines...plus the fact that if the CDC said there was a correlation no one would get their kids immunized and we would see mass explosions of all these diseases throughout the United States and the rest of the world.

Though there was little evidence at the time my kids were born that supported the belief that autism is caused by the mass amounts of vaccinations young children get, I opted to skip all vaccinations for the first two years of life and then slowly catch up with the vaccines required by the school system. The one study that did provide strong statistical evidence of a link between vaccines and autism was just recently discovered to be a fraud.

So, I waited until Boo was two to begin immunizations. Why wait until the magic age of two? It is widely accepted that a large majority (estimated 80%) of a humans brain is developed by two years of age (no quote here....google it and you'll find it everywhere). Makes sense not to beat the crap out of a little brain until it has some good development under its belt.

I waited to get any immunizations until my kids were two, AND I WAS WRONG! I am very lucky neither of my precious angels died of some preventable disease. What would I have done differently? I think I would have followed the 1980s schedule for the first two years and then catch up one several of the vaccines on the current one.

I have several friends who went with the current CDC recommendations. I commend those who did their research first and still decided to go with the slough of shots. I commend those who did their research and followed a different schedule (a popular one is Dr. Sears alternative schedule). I still commend those who do their research and decide to wait like I did, for they did some research.

My point: Do your research on the subject and make the best decision for your family and child. Don't expect to get all the answers from your pediatrician (many have to follow company policies and state CDC standard schedule). If you don't go with the current recommendations, don't expect a lot of support from the pediatrician. And keep updated on current info!

Too lazy to research for yourself? Well, probably best to go with the current CDC recommendations. This is NOT medical advice, just my thoughts on an issue that is near and dear to my heart. Love you Molly!

Diary of neurotic mom: Alcoholism, please

Let me quickly start that I would like to call this section "Diary of a neurotic mommy", but Boo, Mr. J Cool himself, calls me mom more than mommy...so mom it is. Another note, I am neurotic. If you know me well, you will have thought "no shit". Thanks for the love.

Wikipedia defines Neurosis as a class of functional mental disorders involving distress but neither delusions nor hallucinations, whereby behavior is not outside socially acceptable norms. OMG I really am neurotic?!? Hard for me to believe most moms aren't to a certain extent, but that's just my opinion.

Ok, to the post.

Ever since I was pregnant with Bubbi, my second, I often found myself having to consciously choose to not be an alcoholic. Of course it wasn't an option when I was pregnant, but I did think several times a week, "thank god I'm pregnant because this would be the ideal time to become an alcoholic".

Now that my body is mine, the option to become an alcoholic is continually appealing. Especially after last night! Boo, my long-time champion sleeper, has been waking up at night and keeping me up for an hour plus (long story not meant for this post...this one is about the mommies dammit).

Wake up this morning at 8 am after being awake from 2:15 am to about 4:30 am. Grumpy and feel what I can only describe as hungover (no, I took no meds or drank no booze in the last 24 hours). First thought? Oh how wonderful it would be to pop a xanax and chase it down with a fish-bowl sized glass of red wine!

Now there would have been a time when I kept this desire (that's all it is...a desire that will never be acted upon because, well, I enjoy having custody of my kids...usually) to myself. However, a friend posted a jest on Facebook yesterday referring to stay-at-home moms taking valium. The responses were hilarious ranging from calling valium "mother's-little-helper" to stating "I'm on the wine train" and "choo choo"!

My point? If you wake up and find yourself ashamed that you want to start the day with a hardcore sedative and/or a bottle of tequila, don't! Not saying you should act on it...at least not every day.

Kids can ruin your marriage: From 2 months to the 2nd pregnancy...

We left off with no sex and no sleep with a tired, abused body for the wife. Husband's day to day is quite similar to before kids with work etc while the wife stays home with a new baby and what's left of her body (I know this sides with the wife, I'm trying husbands...).

Both wife and husband are somewhat over the shock in the abrupt change in their lives. In my house, sleep was returning as by two months, my little Boo was sleeping about 10.5 hours straight (feel free to virtually shoot me, I know...what an awesome baby).

Now the wife, mommy, is finally really adjusting and feeling this whole mommy thing (as well as physically returning to a human as opposed to an abused host to a possessed watermelon). Seeing her husband, daddy, hold the baby warms her heart. Daddy feels the same when he sees his wife in her maternal state...in the back of his mind he sees his new position in life as baby first, husband second. Marital stress!

And now the sex pressure comes back. Right around that time I had finally been cleared for sex, though it was still very painful and low on my to-do list (I am 100% healed now for all you terrified moms to be). We finally did it...once. Poor husband wants to return to more life as usual (aka before kids) in the bedroom, while wife is so not there yet! Marital stress!

Me? Well, I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later...yes, Boo was only 3 months old when we found out we were going to have another baby one night shy of an immaculate conception! AND CRAP! Be pregnant for another lame nine months! MORE MARITAL STRESS!

Pregnancy Complication: Preeclampsia

"If you are pregnant, it is important to watch out for symptoms which might be preeclampsia as it is the leading known cause in the world of maternal and infant death. Preeclampsia is a hypertension disorder that appears only during (usually after the 20th week) and up to several weeks after pregnancy." From http://www.medicalmalpractice.com/.

I didn't get preeclampsia....I was lucky. My friend did.

However, hers went undiagnosed until she was 37 Weeks pregnant. Her doctors didn't listen to her symptoms and belittled her fears. She went to the hospital numerous times during her last trimester because she couldn't feel the baby moving. Her high blood pressure at every visit was dismissed as "white coat syndrome". She clearly had some issues that her doctor dismissed and shouldn't have. She was lucky it didn't kill her or her child, but she delivered a 3 pound baby at 37 weeks gestation. Babycenter.com states most babies weigh 6.3 pounds if delivered at 37 weeks.

For her full story go to her blog, http://avoiceformychildren.blogspot.com/.

Please be an advocate for yourself and your baby. No, you probably aren't a doctor. Sure, you may feel your already being an obsessed and overly worried mother. Who cares? Speak up for yourself and your unborn baby! Demand tests and seek second opinions.

ALSO: My friend in this story will be participating in the March of Dimes to help advocate for healthy, full-term babies. Support or join her by clicking here.

Kids can ruin your marriage: First few weeks after birth

Where did we leave off? Oh yes, both husband and wife are exhausted and full of emotions.

Hearing the nurse say we were being discharged from the hospital after Boo's birth was one of the most surreal moments of our lives. My husband and I looked at each other like, wow, they are sending us home with a baby? Are they sure we know what we're doing???

So we put Boo in the car seat and go home. We pull the car seat out of the car and set him in the middle of the living room and stare at him. Ok, this is really freaking weird!

Here is how it went for me: Breastfeeding sucked. It hurt and I just couldn't get it down right. I wanted to strangle my husband for every comment he made as supportive as it was....he didn't have to wake up every two hours and try to figure it out! What did he know?

After delivering Edward-Scissor-Head (Boo gave me FOUR nasty tears), I couldn't sit, stand, walk or lay comfortably for six to seven weeks. My body hurt and I stunk (from the hormones...and I sweat like a pig...thank god though because I had a lot of water weight to shed). This doesn't exactly make someone cheery and easy to get along with (poor wife AND poor husband).

My husband? Well, he looked a little tired. He got to go away to work (he went back to work after only a few days as he's self-employed) while I was stuck in the house with baby that only pooped and wanted to torture me via breastfeeding. Resentment officially set in.

Now, the biggest thing that put stress on our marriage for me was waking up, even after we switched to bottles, to a crying baby. Now how the hell could he possibly be sleeping? Nudge nudge...your turn dude. No response. Ok, I'll do it...AGAIN! He did have to work the next day and I "got to stay home with the baby" so I should do it anyways....grrr.

Basically the husbands life still slightly resembles his old one: sleep through the night, go to work... The wife? Every moment of life is different. No work. No sleep. Different body. For me, terrible skin for the first few weeks after Boo was born.

To top it off, ourconversations centered around baby poop and how much he was eating. Both of us were exhausted and grumpy. More marital stress as we try and adjust to our new lives wearing our new hats and mommy and daddy...oh yeah, and no sex for anyone!

To be continued...

Kids can ruin your marriage: Conception to Delivery

Most marriages are in a good place when you decide to try and have kids (if you don't have a woops that is).

An early stress can come from the pressure of "baby making". Sex is no longer for pleasure, it has a purpose...and a time...and as time goes on without conception, a position....a time of day...a diet...hormone shots....testing etc. None of those are "good" for a marriage.

So now your pregnant with or without the stress of trying to conceive. If the wife is anything like me, life changes from the moment you find out your pregnant. The worry officially begins.

I'm going to miscarry. The baby is going to be deformed. The baby is going to be a freak because I didn't take the right vitamins or because I ate soft cheese or because I sat in the jacuzzi before I knew I was pregnant or because I drank...A LOT...before I knew I was pregnant....the insanity is OVERBEARING!

So now said wife is anxious and stressed for her unborn baby's future, not to mention pregnant (insert copious amount of hormones here)...and terrified for the physical changes to come.

Let's go to the husband. Financial stress of supporting a family, college funds and the like overwhelm his mind. The changes to his wife's body and mood are terrifying, but he is supposed to be the perfect, loving husband now more than ever and not show weakness. And sex? Well, that is just scary now...but still a natural male need...that's a problem! And what about his freedom and guys nights out?

Everything is about to change and the impending doom mixed with excitement and hundreds of other emotions can easily beat the crap out of a marriage.

Now we have 40 weeks of emotional roller coasters on both sides. Even assuming everything goes well with the pregnancy and baby, the couple is still under significant pressure of the impending changes about to come.

Wife goes into labor. Husband feels powerless. Wife gives birth. Husband gets a too close view of the process. My husbands response was, "that was THE most national geographic shit I've ever seen". Wife feels like she just gave birth (like crap, ok....you feel like crap right after you deliver your first baby) and both are exhausted and overwhelmed with emotions.

Now go home and play house with your new role as parents....to be continued.

Don't burn the baby!

So if you're nearly as anxious and worried about everything as I am, you will totally love this Black & Decker SDC850 SpaceMaker 8-Cup Coffeemaker with Thermal Carafe.

When Boo was just starting to crawl I watched an episode of America's Next Top Model where one of the models, Thalia, was terribly disfigured from burns all over her face and body. The culprit? A COFFEEMAKER!!!

Before she was a year old, she pull a fresh pot of coffee/the coffeemaker off the counter and all over her precious face and body. She was very lucky to survive.

I was already terrified of this happening! I didn't drink coffee at the time because I was pregnant with Bubbi, but the husband did...and he was the one who couldn't remember for the life of him to push the darn thing back or make sure the cord wasn't hanging over the edge. More than that, Boo was capable of moving things to climb up but not cognisant enough to understand danger of items he could then access.

Then relief! We bought the Black & Decker SDC850 SpaceMaker 8-Cup Coffeemaker with Thermal Carafe. It has been a fabulous, reliable coffeemaker that we've used everyday since we bought it over two years ago....and one less HUGE thing to worry about! Plus we now have some extra counter space.

Postpartum or Culture Shock: An Unhealthy Dose of Both

So I would love to focus on the wonderful parts of parenthood as there are so many, but I don't feel I'm doing any future mommies good by doing what all others did to me. All I heard was "oh you'll fall in love the moment you see that little baby". Well, I didn't.

I spent nine months feeling like crap and donating my body to a sick science experiment. I woke up daily and did a stretchmarks search and reeked of a nasty blend of Vaseline and Palmer's Cocoa Butter (the smell still makes my stomach turn to this day). I had heartburn from five days before I knew I was pregnant until the second Boo was out of my body. In the last few months of pregnancy I gave up sleep (you try to sleep after gaining 30 pounds in your gut with a strong set of arms in legs in you paired with constant heartburn) and took up sciatic nerve pain as a nightly ritual instead.

Labor itself was fine lasting just over nineteen and a half hours. As I mentioned previously, his heart rate was dropping and he had to have CPR just after birth. I saw him and.....well, he looked like a wrinkly old man. Cute wrinkly old man, don't get me wrong. Daddy held him first while I chugged my first drink of water sans heartburn in 40 plus weeks and a doctor stitched up what was left of me. I held him and looked at awe at what I created. But that was about it. Crazy shit there really was a baby in there. Ok, now I'm flipping exhausted let's go to bed.  So we did.

Wake up seven hours later (nurses gave me lots of crap about that thinking duh, I should have woken him up every two hours to feed him...hell no!) and blood blisters all over my nipples. And oh my god are you SURE there isn't another baby in this tummy? AND holy crap am I going to need a blood transfusion or something if I bleed another drop?!?!? We go home and life starts...or ends?

I had spent nine months obsessing over my pregnancy week by week and then hours on end obsessing over labor itself. I had never really taken the time to focus on everything after being discharged from the hospital. Sure people told me the sleep deprivation was rough, but no one really told me that I would feel like I just ran a 19 plus hour marathon after not sleeping well for several months...not to mention that labor is basically a major surgery to your body and you will hurt! So here I am exhausted and looking at this always hungry life sucker that won't even smile at me (babies don't smile until about six weeks old....they literally have nothing to offer but poop and demands at all hours of the night and day for the first several weeks of like).

I had ruined my life. OMG I HAD RUINED MY LIFE! Crap. I can't give him back because this wasn't an adoption. Maybe I can run away and not look back. Or (here's where it gets really rough) maybe I'll get lucky and he'll die of SIDS. I never once thought to inflict harm on him, but after a few months I realized these thoughts were definitely postpartum.

However, I find it hard to believe that most first time mothers don't have similar thoughts. I have spoken to several moms who have...especially moms who have no immediate connection and feel guilty because they're "supposed" to.

Anyhow, everything fell into place when I gave up trying to breastfeed and switched to formula when he was two weeks old. The little booger started looking at me when I fed him and slept much longer stretches of time. My body became mine again (well, more than when I was breastfeeding). By the time he was two months old we were two peas in a pod and are to this day. I had a much healthier attitude the second time around (at least in my opinion). I looked at Bubbi's first 6 weeks as pure survival mode. Once that precious baby gives you a smile everything is worth it and you can start to feel all the good things that are to come.